It can be tempting to think of a compliant child as “easy.” They don’t fight you on anything and simply do as they are told. However, one child psychologist warns that when kids only behave to keep others happy, the long-term cost can be heavy and offers ways how to help kids break their people-pleasing habits.
“We love our people-pleasers when they’re young … because they’ve gotten very good at noticing if we’re happy with them and changing their behavior accordingly,” said Becky Kennedy, host of the parenting podcast Good Inside and a Columbia University-trained child psychologist in a recent interview with CNBC. Speaking at the Fast Company Innovation Festival on September 18, she added, “Long term, if we want to know what leads to a lot of adult anxiety and emptiness, it’s those literal qualities.”
Kennedy explained that children who grow up prioritizing others’ needs may enter adulthood anxious, burnt out, and unsure of who they are. “We train kids, especially little girls, to disappoint themselves over and over in the name of making other people happy,” she said. “We shouldn’t be surprised when they get older that they don’t get into the best relationships and don’t feel great about themselves.”
Research shows people-pleasing often carries into adulthood. Those patterns, avoiding conflict, suppressing emotions, and relying on external validation, can make it harder to build close relationships or thrive in the workplace.
Self-help author Hailey Magee echoed that sentiment during Harvard Business Review’s HBR IdeaCast podcast in July 2024. “It does actually benefit your workplace for you to be able to show up rested, balanced, and not feeling this subtle lurking resentment toward your workplace and your colleagues,” she said.
Just how can parents help their children break their people-pleasing habits? Well, Kennedy states that there are three strategies that parents can add to their parenting tool kits. These strategies include:
1. Reassure them when you’re upset. “Yes, I am upset, sweetie, and even when I’m upset, I still love you,” she suggested. This teaches children that conflict doesn’t erase connection.
2. Highlight their individuality. If your child chooses differently from you, celebrate it. Kennedy gave the example: “You see me eating yogurt for breakfast most days, and you still know that you don’t like yogurt. You prefer bagels. I love that you’re a kid who knows who they really are.”
3. Encourage them to hold their ground. If a sibling wants the toy they’re using, you can gently remind them, “You can keep it a little longer before you give it to him. It’s not your job to make him happy.”
Another way that parents can help their children break the people-pleasing cycle is to model the behavior for them. Kids often mirror what they see. Kennedy emphasized that if parents constantly put themselves last, fail to set boundaries, or talk down to themselves, children will likely adopt those same habits.
